How NOT to meditate

So many of us have been told all of the wonderful benefits of meditation.  Increase your ability to manage stress, lower your blood pressure, solve world peace, etc.

And if you happen to be one of the many folks who live with anxiety, absolutely EVERYONE has told you to find some way on god's green earth to calm down.  Whether it's take a deep breath, or do some fancy standing on your head type of yoga, or just drink eight gallons of lemon water a day...

Okay so I jest, clearly lots of these things have wonderful health benefits and it's important to lead a balanced lifestyle.

However, I'm sure most of us have also experienced something like this during our first bout of meditation...

"Am I doing this right?...  Is there something stuck in my teeth?...  I wonder if I should have changed my tampon before yoga?... How the hell did that girl manage to stick her hands behind her back and twist her legs into a Z shape at the same time?...  Am I a bad parent for feeding my kid sugar?... Wait am I imagining this magical door right?...  Did she tell me to be standing next to a waterfall or pond in the woods?...  When did the rainforest turn into the desert?... Am I doing this right?...  Man I suck at this meditation thing...  I'm too anxious for this... My stupid brain won't turn off...  I'll never figure this out!... Aargh!  Aargh!  Aargh!"

Maybe it wasn't exactly like that, but it is generally the case for those of us who would benefit the most from meditation, it also happens to be the most difficult.  So here are a few tips on how not to suck at meditation:

1.  Do NOT I repeat DO NOT start by trying to meditate for an hour every day

Learning to meditate is similar to beginning any new practice or exercise.  Would you start off weightlifting by deadlifting 200 pounds?  Would you start running by jogging for eight miles?  No?  Really?

Meditation is a muscle that needs to be grown and developed SLOWLY over time.

When you first begin practice in short bursts regularly.  30 seconds to two minutes is the max time that I would recommend for any new practitioner, particularly one who's really struggled with anxiety.

If you find that this is easy after 10-12 practices, then try to increase it by a minute, practice another 10-12 times, and then increase again.  Slow and steady wins the race.

Another way to do this, is rather than increasing the length of time you meditate, increase the frequency throughout the day.  If you feel all kindsa confident after a few days, then increase to twice a day or even three times a day.  Which brings me to my next point...

2.  Don't fall into the trap of practicing "anytime or anywhere"

True, when you're an experienced practitioner you'll be able to whip out the magic meditative superpowers anywhere including the most hairpulling, baby screaming, 250 couponing line at Walmart replete with a 15 year old checkout girl who is still in training.

You'll get there, trust me.

In the meantime, make sure that your first tries at meditation are hella comfortable and as distraction free as possible (pardon the brief sorority girl linguistic slip).

Tried and true strategies are using a meditation pillow in a quiet room or sitting outside in nature.  Whether you're laying down, sitting up straight, against a wall, or even in an office chair, all are fine, as long as you're making sure your body is in a comfortable position before you get started.

Whatever you do, don't try to practice at home in the living room with kids playing xbox, your teenager blasting music in the background, and in the middle of cooking dinner with your cell phone turned on (even if it's on vibrate).

Find a time that is low traffic (or no traffic) in your home.  Turn off the TV.  Completely turn off your cell phone, set a timer, and breathe.

3.  DON'T practice when you're anxious...

Speaking of when not to practice... Although it's tempting to use your newfound meditative skills to calm your anxiety.  Wait for it.

There are lots of other great strategies that can help you manage your anxiety, such as watching something funny, petting a furry friend, drinking a warm beverage, taking a shower... having your own private dance party.

If you've only tried meditating, mindfulness, or breathing techniques once or twice, shelve it until your muscles are more toned.  Remember the 200 pound deadlifting rule?  Um yeah...

This may not be a big deal, but as a therapist, I can't tell you how many times I've had clients tell me, "well I tried that breathing thing and it didn't work," only to find after thorough investigation, that they tried it in the middle of a fullblown panic attack.

In order to experience the most success with your practice, begin when you're calm, practice at least half a dozen times, and if you feel stronger, THEN try when you're anxious.  Baby steps, y'all, baby steps.

4.  Meditation & mindfulness practices are NOT one size fits all

So what if you've done all of the above and it's still not working for you?  Hint: That happens all the time!

It doesn't mean that you're broken or that you're terrible at meditation and destined to live a life wracked with anxiety till the end of your days.

There are hundreds of different ways to practice mindfulness, meditation, breathing strategies and any number of relaxation techniques.

Even though I'm a therapist, and a yoga teacher, there are still plenty of these techniques that I still suck at.

Seriously.

Yes, as I've practiced more they aren't as excruciating, but I'm still not perfect.  *Which is all kindsa okay**

Personally, I don't enjoy guided meditations because I tend to overthink what I'm supposed to be visualizing.  But I know tons of people who find them incredibly helpful.

Don't be intimidated into thinking you have to be burning incense, listening to chanting music, and wearing hemp to be "doing it right."

For me, when I'm indoors, I get a little cabin fever and electronics antsy.  Sit me next to a tree with a happy trunk to mold my spine to and a warm breeze and I'm a happy camper.  Music just tends to distract me and chanty music makes me cranky.

And this leads to the last and most important piece of meditation advice of all...

5.  DO be playful and curious

Have fun!  Expect that it's going to be tricky at first and you're going to be antsy and a little restless.  Play with what works for you.  If heavy metal helps you to get quiet, then own that.  If you need to treat yourself to a chocolatey frosty afterwards, rock the hell out of that frosty.

Keeping that in mind, if you've practiced the same technique 6 or 7 times and it just ain't fitting, be curious.

In case no one's mentioned this to you, curiosity without expectation is at the core of mindfulness.  Even if it's your own anxiety or restlessness that you're noticing with curiosity, that's totally okay!

For most of us, when we notice ourselves being anxious or wandering into monkey mind we have a tendency to lay on the guilt trip, thick and heavy like.  This then triggers more anxiety, and for those of us who have panic symptoms, is more likely to trigger an attack.

So....

Be chill and notice what works for you.  If you get antsy, honor that and be aware of it.  Calmly bringing your awareness to something that you normally label as "uncomfortable" and distancing yourself from that label is way more than half the battle.

Don't expect to completely empty your mind.  You will think, and at first you'll think A LOT about EVERYTHING. 

Try this: when you notice a thought pop into your head, acknowledge it and then imagine it's written on a colorful balloon and let it float away.  Then bring your attention back to your breath.

When all else fails, try a different technique.  Maybe the strategy you've been trying just isn't the best fit for you.

My own favorite mindfulness exercise is going to a festival and getting lost in the crowds, noticing the strains of music drifting by from half a dozen different bands, eating deliciously fried and powdered sugary goodness, and enjoying the sun on my skin and the sweat dripping off of it.

But for most of the folks I know, this would be a nightmare.  So... find something else that suits you and your personality.

Mmkay... so now what?

Please don't let any of this keep you from trying meditation.  I just want you to go forth and prosper and avoid some of the many mistakes both I and many of the people I work with have made when getting started.

When in doubt, go easy, go slow, be curious, and trust your instincts.  You can totally rock this, and if all else fails or you feel it's just too much... then go back to the drawing board.  Thirty seconds a day, once a day will still get you results and don't be shy to go there.